Thursday, March 20, 2008

desperately seeking ... something

OK, OK ... I know I've been on a major negative roll lately:

wah! wah! No money! wah! wah! Frustrated with life!

But the fact of the matter is that I'm about to turn 40 (in May!), I'm stumbling about trying to raise 3 kids, I don't give my husband nearly the amount of attention he truly deserves, and I'm stuck in a strange professional predicament.

I'm also having these middle of the night palpitations over "Is this what I want to DO for the rest of my life?" "What the hell is WRONG with me?!" "Where am I going to get the money for THAT?!" ... stuff like that.

I can't concentrate, I can't be happy and I'm stressed out of my gourd.

I hate where I am right now and am struggling mightily to figure things out.

Here's a Facebook comment I slammed out yesterday summarizing my current state:

Lately I've been freaking out because of where I'm at: emotionally and professionally speaking. Currently I'm sitting at a crossroads and the fastly approaching summer (i.e.: impoverished season!) is starting to invade my psyche.

I want work = make enough money + schedule flexible + be available to my kids

I want to feel useful + be proud of what I do = job satisfaction

I want to be involved in an occupation that challenges me + motivates me + taps into my creative strengths ...

making money vs. fulfilling personal passions ...

Currently none of these things are meshing! :(

I know, I know ... wah! wah!

So instead of whining and grousing, maybe I should do a better job of getting perspective:

healthy, mostly happy family (*check)
kids happy at school (*check)
house in good neighborhood (*check)
food when needed (*check)
clothes and shoes (*check)
transportation easily accessible (*check)
great friends who want to spend time with me (*check)

I really could go on and on ...

but I've done enough to remind myself of the important things.


Posolxstvo said...

Maybe you just need a cute little red convertible? And a donut.

Doesn't that combination just make everything seem better?

(My word verification thing: blvgnytk. I believe that is Bulgarian for "A red convertible and a donut makes everything all better.")

molly gras said...

I'll take the donut -- can't justify the expense of a red sports car.

What I'd really rather have is a Masters Degree (in something ... anything!) without having to pay the exorbitant price for one.

Can I have that instead of a fancy red car?!

Hedy said...

Hey Molly - I am right where you are, professionally speaking. I wonder if it is part of turning 40. I know exactly four people who are doing EXACTLY what they want to professionally and the rest of us are just slogging it out in jobs we fell into and now we can't leave them because the $$ is too good. Sometimes it is good to focus on your blessings, but I also believe that this pain/uncertainty is there for a reason and it's our jobs to figure our way through it. At least you know you're not alone in this. :) And Pos, next time I need to go to my Happy Place, I'm going to imagine eating a donut in a little red convertible. It's perfect.

Jeni said...

For Molly and Hedy both -have you ever read the book "Passages" By Gail Sheehe? (I think that is her last name -but I could be off a bit on the last name. I know it is Gail something.) Anyway, I was going through much the same type of emotions, questioning of self, etc., about thirty years back and if I recall correctly, those are all synonymous with a particular "passage" all women go through. I don't recall now the breakdown of the ages that cover those feelings but it fits about where you both are right now. It is a rough patch to deal with when you question everything you think has meaning to you and yet... something's just not fitting the way you think it should be. Grab a copy of that book and read it as it does help put things into a better perspective. Trust me, Been there, done that.

molly gras said...

Hedy -
Recognizing my own foibles and shortcomings, I absolutely, desperately wish I could be one of those four professionally-fulfilled acquaintances -- even if it's in a random, not so obvious occupation. Currently, I'm working an OK job, not earning nearly enough to sustain our fastly increasing expenses!

Again to reiterate why I'm stressing out, professionally speaking: On most occasions I can be a pretty smart person, I'm very empathic and personal able, I'm typically motivated to work very hard and I usually prefer challenges (redundancies terrify me!)

And to make things more complicated, over the next decade, a major money crunch is going to start bearing down on us (i.e. 2 kids = braces; 3 kids = continued private school + future college costs; 3 kids = regular mind-numbing costs and expenses; 1 dog = chew toys, lots and lots of chew toys, etc.) and I'm starting to feel the pressure immensely.

existential pain/uncertainty = pervasive low-grade anxiety

Jeni -
Thank you so much for the book recommendation and the assurances - I really appreciate them.

Lately I've been feeling like my 15 year old (all questions, insecurities, and free-floating angst) and I REALLY don't like it! Having a somewhat good recall of my adolescence, I REALLY don't want to have to experience that kind of garbage again!

So, I'll have to get a hold of that book and get some much-needed insight - thanks!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Oh I truly sympathize. I face those same dilemmas every day. It's so stressful.

Dianne said...

I empathize as well. It didn't hit me until 50 but when it hit, it hit hard.

I haven't figured out too many answers but at least I'm finally asking the questions.

and it does help to remember the blessings and the important stuff.

when you come up with some great answers promise to let me know :)

molly gras said...

big momma P -
Thank you so much for the sympathy - it's really SO much nicer to know that I'm not going through this alone.

My best to you and your continued creative genius :)

Dianne -
How lovely to have you pop by!

50s, hmmmm ... well, recently I've been told by a dear friends that the 40s are the considered the new 20s which must mean I have to go through all of this AGAIN when I'm in my 60s?! Yikes! Alls I can say is Hand me a bottle opener ... it's gonna to be bumpy ride!

Cheers and happy thoughts I'm sending your way :)