2205 hours, Tuesday October 30, 2007 – Unrecognizable and strange covert activities occurring on the lawn of 1234 Ivydale Ave., Appleton Township. No calls were made to the police ... yet. Inhabitants of aforementioned abode – some: on the road, the rest: oblivious or abed.
2225 hours, same evening – Missing inhabitants: upon returning to abode, note strange apparatus lurking on front lawn in the vicinity of the front door. Apparatus approached with caution. Unidentifiable, therefore summarily dismissed as inhabitants enter the house.
0725 hours, Wednesday October 31, 2007 – Eldest female child reports to the rest of the household [with barely contained mirth] the proper identification of lurking apparatus on front lawn. A scuffle ensues and head of the household has to restore order before an official report can be made. After much deliberation, conjecturing and photo-taking, a sanctioned man-hunt is organized, lists of names are compiled and investigators are sent out to canvass the neighborhood and interview any acquaintances thought capable of perpetrating such a crime.
1730 hours, same day – Exhausted all possible leads. Seriously considering bringing in Scotland Yard. The trail is starting to turn cold …
1830 hours, same day – Inhabitants leave abode for annual pagan rites and rituals – disguises have been donned to discourage any more crimes being committed on their property.
2105 hours, Wednesday evening October 31, 2007 – The inhabitants of 1234 Ivydale Ave. return. They spot movement and suspicious activity next to “lurking apparatus” [see Exhibit A]. Cackling and witchy laughter is reported being heard near the scene of the crime.
Two unsuspecting culprits are apprehended attempting to complete their lewd acts of front lawn vandalism. Arrived at decision to not contact local police for handcuffing and reading of rights – the attempt would have been futile: all procedures would have been drowned out in gales of breathless giggles.
What follows is an abbreviated download of very long rap sheets on these repeat offenders:
Amelia “Don’t Call me Mutha” Snootz
[AKA - Rock’em Sock’em Snootz, Momma Lotsalove, Smack Mammy, to name a few]
~Serving a sentence of 8 to life for the unthinking crime of procreating
~Served time in Sing-Sing for flagrant Tupperware abuses
~Has been sighted lurking at automobile showrooms with decidedly possessive intents and has been known to toss small children aside in order to get at very good chocolate
Rayna “Will Steal for Good Shoes” Crumm
[AKA – Auntie Suga Mama, Origami Diva, Duchess Bad Ass, to name a few]
~Serving a life sentence for the outrageous crime of spoiling small children
~Served time in Alcatraz for flagrant moving box abuses
~Has been seen skulking behind the Stars Wars Lego displays at strategically-located ‘Toys or Us’ stores and has been known to hide her little white doggy in her purse to justify her cinnamon Scooby snack addiction.
1600 hours, Thursday November 1, 2007 – Upon further investigation, it has been determined that the two suspects held in custody would face the stiffest penalty: a well-established reputation as supreme mischief makers and the interminable consequence of having their infamous criminal records now accessible by the public.
The most unfortunate outcome is for the residents of 1234 Ivydale Ave. They are stuck with the realization that there is no way they can reconcile their genetic link to two such deviant offenders – they’ll continue to be tormented with the knowledge that genealogy is just one record that can’t be purged!
Criminals always come back to the scene of their crime -- ALWAYS!
(Especially when they really like their work)